WARNING

WARNING: contains detailed adult themes and strong opinions.

Wednesday 31 July 2013

10 Some Dialogue

Guilt and sadness do not work well together. For me it is one or the other, and it dominates nearly every waking thought. I am alone again.

I met Magdalene's father when we were children. He did not like me at first because of my white skin. He said,
"Malcolm, do you know why the white man scares me?"
I shook my head, afraid if I would speak I would scare him.
"The white man scares me because he has no religion. Do you have a god, Malcolm?"
"Yes sir."
That god is me.

I never learnt to iron my clothes. My mum did it for me, then Magdalene did it for me. Mum said Magdalene couldn't do it well, but mum's dead now. She can't say what Magdalene did well or not, and she did everything well. Except fuck someone else.

When we were but teenagers, recently out of high school, I wiped her back with my Beatles shirt. Then I told her to turn around and I punched her in the face. Bitch like it, a hot thing falling on her. It wasn't hard, it was a hot thing. We could take a romantic bath together and eat truffles and drink champagne like French prostitutes.

"Dude, what's the plan?" he said.
"Well, we cover ourselves in bubble wrap-" I hate when I get interrupted.
"Bubble wrap?"
"It's light, makes no sound,-"
"Bubble wrap has bubbles. Bubbles pop."
"Fine, we'll use cellophane. We won't leave a trace."
"Without a trace" he chuckled.
"You're stupid. Have you ever seen that show?"
"No"
"Point in case"
"Whatever"
"Anyway, we only put the cellophane suits on inside the building, or we'll raise suspicion. In the lift or something. It'll be quick and easy. Then when we get to his floor we bust his door,-"
"Wouldn't that make a lot of noise?"
"Ah, you're right my dead Edward. Well, since she lives with him now, we'll just steal the key from Mag-"
"Mag?"
I couldn't say her full name.
"Yeah, that's what I called her in bed." LIES, ALL LIES.
"Oh."
"I'll figure out a way to get it. Then we go into his flat, get a glass out, pour the alcohol-"
"Ethanol"
"Same thing- in and leave without a trace. Teach him to fuck my lady."

I love my Magdalene. She is mine, she's mine. She will always be mine mine mine. She is mine. 

Friday 26 July 2013

9 The Beginning of the Shadow

Our governments have learnt their lesson. Banning a topic, or hiding something from the masses is going to provoke a riot and a revolution. Thus was created the modern media, where nothing is a banned subject and everything can be talked about. Ah yes, but they are not. Instead, we are distracted beyond belief by trivial things like baby names and the weight of our modern day gods. We'll forget all about the dead and dying if you just tell us the top hairstyle of the year.

It is hard to believe that things are meant to happen when they're not meant to happen.

I have a lion running after me. A big black shadow lion that devours life as it moves. It is catching up to me, and fast. All the world around me is turning into shadow; I can't see anything and yet I can feel its claws and teeth clinging on to me.

It is hard to correct what wasn't meant to happen when it was meant to happen.

It's a strange feeling, packing all my figurines up, tearing all my notes, and putting away the bedsheets. It's like moving away from a life you had. It is the end of a life. It wasn't I who died, but it was me whose life ended. It was simple, it was a pure loss of everything there was.

I cannot think of anything that is happening now. I am useless. I am an appendix to everything. Tomorrow I will tell the truth, which in itself must be a lie. Today I am still dead.

For the first three months there was nothing but darkness. Words melted into each other, currency both existed and nonexisted at the same time, faces blurred as people walked past. But none of it was sad. Cigarettes and vodka were my sustenance. I had to be dead to fit in my coffin.

Kurt Vonnegut should have skipped all that nonsense about bokononism and just spoken of me. I am a nihilistic version of Bokonon. I am anti-everything and pro-anything, as long as it requires no particular effort on my part. I think I could be a racist, or a sexist, or a xenophobe, or homophobic, or whatever else there is... I think I am just too lazy to judge people. Maybe that's it. It's not truly acceptance until you're not even bothered to think about it.

Every time I orgasm I still see her.
I still feel her.


Wednesday 3 July 2013

8 Lost and Found

I am Malcolm, and she is mine. Like Beloved is Sethe's, Magdalene is mine. Like Moby Dick is Ahab's, she is mine. She is mine, she came to me. She waited, and I came. She is mine mine mine.
No one can take her away.

As a child I liked watching movies on mute. I liked pretending I was deaf and making up my own sign language. I then pretended to be Jesus- No, I thought I was Jesus. Come to Earth to punish all mankind.

I know I did wrong. I felt like a bee after he stings someone. I knew it wasn't good- for I would die right after but I didn't have a choice. Well, I did of course but it didn't count. The choice was hers, not mine. And I don't even know her name. She doesn't know my name. All she knows is I'm not from London, and I have a collection of Simpson's figurines.

Everyone else is a lie. I'm the only one alive. This is a test and I'm passing. I'm the only one who's real, and nothing really matters.
Magdalene isn't dead and neither is my mummy, because I'm the only one who's real.

He said he loved Magdalene too.

I love mint ice cream. It makes my mouth sting when I drink water afterwards. A sadist is just a masochist who follows the golden rule.

One should always try everything except incest and country dancing. I try to.

October 22, 2008
Magdalene Bumeii was found dead in a South London flat last night. She appears to have been drinking pure ethanol that at this moment has been acquired to have been stolen from the local secondary school's chemistry laboratory.
Any tips as to the reason of Ms Bumeii's death are appreciated.


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[END OF PART ONE]
I know there is at least one person who has read this story when I first wrote it. So, you may notice it has been altered. I decided it was better for me to write from a perspective I knew better. I am now in the process of writing the second part, though it may take a while.